


leaving isn’t better than trying

by fuhrelise (orphan_account)



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Forgiveness, Post-Break Up, Post-Season/Series 04, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:28:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26252674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/fuhrelise
Summary: (ON HIATUS)WYNONNA EARP S4 SPOILERS!!Nicole Haught did something terrible that saved the love of her life but it cost her everything.Everyone makes mistakes. What matters is how you recover from them.
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Kudos: 24





	leaving isn’t better than trying

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so sorry for the amount of angst you’re about to experience but after the 4x05 episode, a bitch got depressed and decided to write angst. enjoy!

_ “Waves? Where are you going?” _

_ Waverly sat at the edge of the bed. Light shone through her bedroom window onto the floor, the first sun rays peeking out from the vast wasteland outside. Waverly had tried getting up quietly and slowly as to not wake up the redhead who was still sleeping so peacefully next to her. She should’ve known Nicole would’ve sensed her absence. “Just to get some water.” _

_ “Noooo,” Nicole reached over and grabbed hold of her girlfriend’s waist, pulling her to lay back next to her. _

_ Waverly laughed. “Baby, what are you doing?” _

_ “Don’t leave me.” Nicole moaned, burying her face in her girlfriend’s collar. She smelled of sweat and of that perfume Nicole had grown so accustomed to. Waverly tried to push her away but Nicole only tightened her grip. _

_ “Baby,” Waverly giggled, brushing a finger down Nicole’s bicep, “I’m only going to get some water.” _

_ “Noooo,” the other woman groaned, “that’s how it starts. You get up to get some water and next thing you know, you don’t want to go back to bed.” _

_ Waverly rolled her eyes, giving up and wrapping her arms around Nicole’s naked form, legs tangling in the sheets. Nicole fell into her touch victoriously, pulling her long legs back under the blankets as she curled around her girlfriend’s frame. Waverly ran a hand through Nicole’s short hair and the ginger raised her head. Waverly met her chocolate brown eyes and smiled, “Did I tell you that you look great with short hair?” _

_ “Only every second since I cut them.” Nicole had had the idea of chopping off her long braid implanted in her mind for weeks. When finally done, everyone was happy with the outcome, especially the young Earp. _

_ Waverly said nothing and instead gently ran her nails along her scalp. The redhead sighed in pleasure. “I miss the french braid, but these make you look hot just the same.” _

_ “It’s my name for a reason, baby,” Nicole’s eyes gleamed and she smiled smugly. _

_ Waverly rolled her eyes and pressed a kiss to Nicole’s soft lips. The kiss deepend. _

_ “Are you still thirsty?” Nicole murmured. _

_ “If you’re water, I’m parched.” _

_ Nicole climbed on top of her. _

Nicole Haught was alone.

She shivered. It was cold. She reached across the bed in search of warmth, but the sheets were empty and frigid. They had been like that for months now. She still wasn’t used to it, still reached for the ghost of a warm place, a comforting feeling.

Nicole picked her head up and rubbed her eyes. The blue walls of the bedroom surrounded her. Nicole’s bedroom.

No longer at the Homestead. No longer hearing the floorboards creak when a gust of wind blew over the house. No longer Wynonna making herself breakfast downstairs, nor Waverly’s soft humming as she brushed her teeth in the bathroom.

_ “Aren’t you supposed to go to work, Deputy Haught?” Waverly’s head poked around the corner, toothbrush hanging from her mouth. _

_ Nicole smiled sleepily, then buried her face back in her pillow. It smelled like Waverly and she breathed it in. “Just a few more minutes.” _

_ “C’mon, miss, stop being lazy,” Waverly padded across the room and poked Nicole’s back, right where she had left scratch marks the previous night. Nicole groaned, skin still sensitive. “Baby.” _

_ “Sorry,” Waverly said sheepishly. “You know I like marking you up. Let people know you’re mine.” _

_ Nicole rolled on her back and stared up at her angel. “I’m yours?” It came out as a question, but they both knew the answer to it. _

_ Waverly nodded and kissed her softly. “Mine forever.” _

Nicole rolled off the bed and pulled on her boots. It was starting to get cold again. August was coming to an end and the air was getting stuffy and nippy. The sun was gone most of the day, hiding behind grey clouds. People still went by their business in the streets, but shorts and bikinis and short sleeves had been tossed back into the drawers and long coats and jeans and sweaters had been pulled out once again, ready for yet another frigid winter in the town of Purgatory.

Nicole put on her camouflage jacket and sauntered downstairs. Thermostats were an unknown invention in Purgatory, Nicole usually turned on the oven and left it open to warm up the house, but even then it was risky. Rachel was sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling on toast and scrolling through her phone. She looked up when Nicole sat across from her.

“Morning. Made you breakfast.” She pushed a plate of toast towards her.

Nicole took a bite. Rachel had put too much jam and the toast was a bit burnt but she smiled anyways. “Thanks, kid.”

Rachel didn’t look up. Nicole rubbed her eyes again. God, she was tired.

Rachel put her phone away and sighed. “Fuck, I’m late.”

“Language,” Nicole reprimanded. It wasn’t really her place to rebuke Rachel for using bad words when Nicole was the one to blame for it. Her along with Wynonna. “I’ll drive you on my way to work.”

Rachel was stuffing books in her backpack. She stopped short when Nicole spoke. “You’re going back to work?”

“Yes.”

Rachel looked at her. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Nicole hesitated. She went to the stove and turned on the coffee machine. Truth was she didn’t want to look Rachel in the eyes. She knew the look the girl was giving her all too well. It wasn’t wrong of Rachel, it meant she cared, but Nicole couldn’t take it. Most days, she could brave through it, but today the occasion wasn’t as such.

“I have to take care of us, Rachel.” Nicole grabbed the largest takeaway mug she could find.

“I know but” Rachel hesitated, “are you sure you’re well enough to go back?”

“Get dressed,” Nicole poured the coffee in her thermos cup and went for the stairs, not daring to look at the teen. “We’re leaving in twenty minutes.”

By the time she had dropped Rachel off at school, Nicole had gulped down an entire thermos of coffee. Her eyelids were still falling shut on their own so she went for a refill at Shorty’s.

The large wooden door creaked open and Nicole sat at the bar. Purgatory was a small town so usually only a few people frequented Shorty’s especially in the early mornings. Better that way, Nicole thought, at least they won’t have to see their sheriff like this. She ducked her head and sniffed. She should’ve taken a shower before leaving.

The bartender asked her her order.

“Coffee. In the biggest cup you have.”

_ “Talk about caffeine addiction.” Waverly commented, eyeing the cup Nicole held in her hands with a smile. _

_ Nicole sighed. She had yet to leave for work and Waverly was already reprimanding her. “Are you lecturing me on my caffeine intake again,  _ mom _?” _

_ Waverly stuck her tongue out, putting her mug to her lips to hide a smile. “I’m just saying it wouldn’t be such a horrible thing if you took a break from it once in a while and drank some of my herbal tea.” _

_ “Would it make you happy if I did?”  _

_ “Very much so, yes.” _

_ “Fine, gimme.” Waverly handed her ‘Go vegan, save the planet’ mug to Nicole. The ginger sniffed it and then took a sip, looking at her girlfriend in the eyes as she deliberately placed her lips where Waverly’s pink lipstick had been smudged. The younger Earp’s eyes widened and she blushed. _

_ When done, Nicole licked her lips. The liquid washed down her throat and warmed her up. Nicole hummed. “It’s really good, but I’m not giving up coffee for this.” _

_ As she handed back the mug, she winked. Waverly’s eyes grew wider and she pouted. “No fair, you can’t just tease me like that before going to work. Wearing your uniform nonetheless.” _

_ Nicole laughed and got to her feet, stetson in hand. _

“Nicole?”

The sheriff turned. “Wynonna.”

Wynonna Earp, leather jacket, hair bouncing off her shoulders and a bottle of whiskey in hand - despite it being nine in the morning - approached her. She grinned. She looked better now. She didn’t look tired or sad anymore, didn’t seem to have that burnt out flame in her eyes that used to be ever present when she haunted demons, when she pointed the legendary gun to a revenants head and saw her father and her sister dying over and over before pulling the trigger.

She looked better without Doc too. They had been distant since Nicole and Waverly’s engagement. He hadn’t spoken to Nicole since he found out. None of the people who had witnessed her engagement had spoken to her since. Nicole didn’t blame them. Couldn’t blame them. Hell, she was shocked Rachel hadn’t run out on her.

“C’mere, Haught!” Wynonna put her arms out and Nicole eased into the hug. Wynonna smelled of smoke and wood, the same wooden smell Waverly had. An image of Waverly grinning at her flashed to the forefront of Nicole’s mind and left just as easily when Wynonna pulled away.

The older Earp eyed Nicole up and down. “You’re wearing your uniform again, holy shit. Are you working again?”

The barista brought Nicole her coffee and she cupped her hands around the takeaway cup to warm them. Apparently, her snow gloves were doing a very poor job. “Back to serving the law.”

Wynonna grinned again. Nicole wished she had the physical strength to return it. “I’ve missed you. You disappeared on me, asshole.”

Nicole hesitated. “I didn’t think you’d want to see my face again.”

“Why would I not want to?” Wynonna furrowed her brows.

When Nicole had finally come clean about handing Doc over to the Clantons in order to save the Earps from the garden, no one had been apprehensive. Wynonna was the only one to come around. She had sat with her and comforted her as Nicole cried, rubbing her back softly as she let it all out to her one fateful night, knowing well that when it was Waverly’s turn to know, she wouldn’t take it as well as Wynonna had.

Wynonna wasn’t there the night Nicole packed her things and left the Earp land, but Nicole didn’t doubt that Waverly had filled her in on everything. Nicole had feared Wynonna would’ve been pissed at her, hence why she had been avoiding any contact with them at all, even with Jeremy. Now she realized this hadn’t been the case. If Wynonna was mad at her, Nicole would’ve known as soon as she had walked up to her.

Something glinted in the light on Wynonna’s jacket and Nicole recognized the badge almost immediately. “You’re still working for Black Badge.”

“Oh, pfft, yeah,” Wynonna flicked the metal and blew a raspberry. “Well, Jeremy and I are trying to do our own thing but they double my pay and I need it.”

What about Waverly? Is your sister here? How is Waverly? Does she talk about me? Does she miss me?

Nicole bit her tongue. Not appropriate.

“How are you and Rachel holding up?”

Nicole leaned against the counter. Rachel had moved in with Nicole by choice, taken care of her the first few days when Nicole could barely get out of bed. She had been her crutch, the only thing stopping Nicole from completely falling to pieces. She didn’t show it but the redhead had been grateful for her.

“We’ll be better now that I’m working again.” Nicole sipped her coffee.

Wynonna nodded, slowly. “Where’s she now?”

“At school. I just dropped her off.”

“You two should come over for dinner someday. We  _ need  _ to catch up.”

Nicole’s body froze over. She hadn’t been at the homestead in weeks, not since her fight with Waverly, not since she had been kicked out. The mere idea of setting foot back on Earp land or even just casting a glance at the homestead made Nicole’s heart ache. Not to mention seeing Waverly again. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea-”

Jeremy Chetri chose that moment to walk up to the pair, oblivious to their exchange. “Nicole, hi!”

“Hey Jeremy.” The boy was also wearing his Black Badge uniform and a bright smile. He also hugged her and Nicole almost broke down sobbing in his arms. She and Jeremy, during the eighteen month period of the Earps’ absence, had grown very close, up until he went off the radar when he had gone working for Black Badge. Still, Nicole and Jeremy had faced the same trials and tribulations and it felt good to hug her close friend again.

“And that is our cue to leave,” Wynonna said, grabbing her partner by the arm and dragging him towards the exit. “See you around, Haught.”

The bar door shut. Nicole stared uselessly at it. “Sure.”

_ Nicole wrapped her arms around her waist and Waverly nearly jumped out of her skin. She wasn’t supposed to be home this early, but Nedley had reassigned Lonnie for a few more hours of desk duty, leaving Nicole free for the night. _

_ “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?” Nicole murmured against her hair. Waverly felt her breath tickle her scalp and she giggled. Nicole pressed a quick kiss to her girlfriend’s cheek before pulling away. _

_ “Hey baby,” Waverly grinned, resuming stirring the contents of the pot with a wooden spoon. “How was work?” _

_ “Tiring,” Nicole sighed, dropping herself against the sink and tugging her tie to loosen it. Thanks to the fundraiser they had hosted, Nedley had managed to buy new uniforms for the crew, only this time they were simpler and lighter - a blue button up with matching black pants and ties. _

_ “Had to chase some perp for three blocks before he ran into a pole and knocked himself unconscious.” Nicole was greatful the khakis were no longer part of her uniform, but the pants made running after criminals and sitting at her desk for long hours painfully uncomfortable. _

_ “And Officer Parks asked me for my phone number again.” _

_ Waverly tensed at this. Nicole knew how jealous and protective Waverly could get. Her girlfriend had recounted the story of when she almost blew Wynonna to pieces when she had caught her with Champ. Nicole had laughed back then, but she knew it wasn’t just crazy jealousy. Every time Nicole had been hurt or flirted with, the redhead had seen it in Waverly’s eyes, the fear and the caring and sense of not wanting to lose her. _

_ “God, why can’t he just give it a rest?” Waverly grumbled, stirring faster. _

_ “I think it’s my fault, baby. I mean it’s not like I have a picture of us on my desk and a rainbow flag sticking out of my pencil case.” _

_ Waverly blew air out of her nose, but it wasn’t enough. _

_ “Hey.” Nicole reached over and took her hands. Waverly turned and faced her. _

_ “You know you’re the only one for me, right?” Nicole asked, cupping her cheek. _

_ Waverly leaned into the touch and smiled softly. “Of course.” She turned her head and planted a kiss in Nicole’s palm. _

_ Nicole smiled, flashing a dimple. Waverly reached over and thumbed the crease in her cheek. “Good. Never forget it.” They reluctantly pulled away again and Waverly went back to stirring. _

_ “I still want to know what you’re making,” Nicole leaned against the kitchen sink once again. _

_ “I’m trying out a new vegan recipe,” Waverly said, grabbing a bowl of chopped up tofu and pouring it in the mix. _

_ Nicole leaned over the pot and inhaled. “Yummy. Wynonna’s going to frisbee her plate out the window.” _

_ Waverly looked at her with raised eyebrows, giving her a ‘you really think I didn’t think this through?’ look. “I microwaved store-bought mac and cheese for her.” _

_ Nicole laughed, throwing her head back. “You never fail to amaze me, Earp.” _

_ She ducked her head and sniffed her clothes, pulling quickly in disgust. “I’m going to take a shower.” _

_ Waverly quickly looked up and pouted. “Do you have to? The new uniform is really working on me.” _

_ Nicole rolled her eyes. It wasn’t surprising that Waverly loved seeing Nicole in her uniform. That much had been made clear since day one, since she first walked into Shorty’s with a stetson in hand and khakis that, according to her girlfriend, made her butt look amazing. “I stink, baby.” _

_ “Fine,” Waverly grumbled, “but you’re putting on that tie again.” _

_ Nicole laughed again and kissed her girlfriend’s temple. “Yes, ma’am.” _

Rachel was cooking that night; she had insisted. She stood at the stove and moved around in a way that was all too familiar to Nicole.

“What are you cooking?” Nicole asked, peeling off the plastic label wrapped around the water bottle she had been drinking. She was out of her work clothes and into more comfortable ones; grey sweatpants and a tank top.

“Ramen noodles.”

“This is the third time you’ve had them this week.” Nicole pointed out.

“I don’t see you complaining.”

Nicole smiled. Rachel was the best company Nicole could have. Somehow she always managed to make her crack a smile, even when they were living at the homestead during those eighteen months. Nicole didn’t think she was going to grow attached to Rachel, she didn’t want to love someone only to lose them again, but she would be lying if she didn’t admit that she had grown soft for the teen.

Nicole sipped her water. “How was school?”

“Good enough. Aced my math test,” Rachel shrugged. “How was work?”

Nicole’s first day back at the station was nothing like she had expected it. Her coworkers gave her a warm welcome, full of hugs and handshakes and ‘welcome back’s and ‘good to see you again’s. Nicole smiled through it, tried to convey the best of the last positive emotions she had left, only to fall apart once in her office, shutting the door behind her and dropping on the floor, stifling sobs with her hand. It had been a quiet day. She had spent much of her time piling files, filling out paperwork, cleaning out her laptop and desk. The officers would sometimes pop in the office to be given daily assignments or to turn in their own paperwork, but other than that she was left to her own devices.

“It was okay,” Nicole shrugged.

“Beat up any bad guys?” Rachel turned off the stove and poured the noodles in two plates, one which she put in front of Nicole. The redhead immediately forked a bite of food in her mouth and sighed. She didn’t know how it was possible, seeing as Rachel had lived a long time alone in an abandoned warehouse, but the kid made the best ramen noodles Nicole had ever tasted.

“No, just desk duty. Coworkers brought me a bunch of doughnuts though,” she nudged the pink box on the table.

“Awesome.” Rachel inspected the contents before going back to her noodles.

“Almost made worth enduring their pitiful stares.”

All day she had to endure the stares and the whispering. She behaved as though she didn’t know, but Nicole knew they were talking about her. About the bags under her eyes and how she dragged her feet on the carpet, how she moved slowly and dreadfully, as if every task was wearing her down.

“I’m sorry, Haught.” Rachel smiled apologetically to her. The kid had been affected by seeing Nicole so broken when she had lost Waverly once they had survived the explosion at the warehouse and it had saddened her just the same when Nicole had been kicked out of the homestead. “By the way, I ran into Wynonna on my way home. She said she wants us to go over for dinner.”

Nicole tensed, fork stopping midair. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“C’mon, Haught,” Rachel complained, “we haven’t seen them in forever.”

Nicole shook her head and shrugged. “If you wanna go, then go, but I’m not coming.”

“Nicole, you can’t keep hiding from her.”

Nicole looked up and Rachel almost looked ready to eat her words when she met her stare, but found courage again and continued. “Purgatory’s a small town, you will run into her one way or the other.”

_ “Morning, officer,” Waverly gave an ear-splitting smile as she approached Nicole. _

_ Nicole grinned back, briefly and unconsciously reaching up to touch her braid and wake sure no hair had gone astray. She wondered which God that was looking over her decided to be gentle enough to make her cross paths with Waverly Earp. She tipped her stetson and smiled back. “Morning, Miss Earp.” _

_ “Oh please,” Waverly scoffed, waving a dismissive hand, “call me Waverly. Everyone here does.” _

_ “Well, since we’re on a first name basis, you should call me Nicole.” _

_ Waverly giggled and Nicole’s heart leaped. “Will do.” _

_ Nicole almost feared Waverly was going to leave but the girl just stood next to her on the curb. Waverly exhaled and her shoulder brushed against Nicole’s bicep. Despite her several layers of clothing, the redhead shivered. _

_ “So what are you doing here out in the cold?” Waverly asked sipping what Nicole knew was her favorite herbal tea from a mug. _

_ “I’m monitoring some speeding activity that’s been happening around these parts.” Nicole said, checking the speedometer at the other side of the street. _

_ “That’s interesting.” _

_ Nicole shrugged. “I guess, if you like standing in freezing snow for hours on end.” _

_ “Speaking of freezing, here,” Waverly produced a second tall cup that Nicole hadn’t previously noticed. Nicole raised an eyebrow and Waverly blushed. “I owed you coffee. For the other day at the bar.” _

_ “Thank you, Miss- Waverly,” Nicole grinned and took the cup, sipping it slowly. “What are  _ you _ doing here out in the cold?” _

_ “I’m waiting for my boyfriend to come pick me up.” _

_ Nicole’s fingers tightened around the cup. “Right.” _

_ They sat in comfortable silence for a few seconds. _

_ ”Officer Haught.” _

_ Nicole briefly took her eyes off the speedometer to cast a glance at Waverly. “Yes?” _

_ Waverly shook her head softly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I was wondering why you moved to Purgatory?” _

_ Nicole looked at the speedometer again. “I graduated in New York but there are too many damn cops there doing too much wrong.” She shook her head softly. “Not many people wanted to take the chance on a female cop but Nedley fought hard to recruit me and now here I am.” _

_ Waverly laughed humorlessly. “I must apologize if you had high expectations, Purgatory’s a terribly small town.” _

_ Nicole shrugged, remembering just how small her own part of New York was. “I don’t mind it.” _

_ “For what it’s worth,” Waverly rested her fingers on Nicole’s arm and the redhead looked at her, “I think you’re a great cop.” _

_ Nicole grinned, dimples popping. A car pulled up at the curb and Nicole watched the speedometer go over the speed limit. She wasn’t surprised when Champ popped his head out his red pick up truck and shouted “Hey babe!” _

_ Waverly grabbed Nicole’s wrist. She had instinctively reached for her fine booklet. _

_ “Could you let him off this time? Please?” Nicole wanted nothing more but to give Champ Hardy a speeding ticket, but Waverly was giving her those big brown eyes and a small smile and Nicole couldn’t help herself. She just smiled softly and nodded. _

_ Waverly thanked her and said goodbye and trotted towards the pick up truck. _

_ Nicole watched them speed away. _

_ Waverly Earp was either going to be the best thing that’s happened to her or the worst. _

  
  


“Last time I was at the homestead,” Nicole swallowed, “I was told to never show my face there again.”

Rachel opened the box of doughnuts and gave Nicole the vanilla dipped one. Nicole took it. “Wynonna wouldn’t ask us to go if Waverly wasn’t okay with it, you know that.”

Nicole nodded but she wasn’t really listening. Rachel smiled tight lipped, grabbed a doughnut herself and walked upstairs. Rachel cooked, Nicole did the dishes. It was a rule.

But if she’s okay with it, Nicole thought, that means she has already moved on. And I don’t know how to live with that.


End file.
